Dear Mom [April 10th 2011]

Dear Mom,

Urgh. I am so awake and I dunno why. My phone isn't going off the hook like normal with text messages or my facebook which as you comment on, isn't very normal. What am I going to do?! I don't need to be up in the morning and I am pretty much wide awake since my power nap at my boyfriend's house today. Dumb.

I'm going to answer one of those really ridiculous questions that you mother's always feel the need to ask after we get home: what have I learned today? Well since I didn't go to school (thank god), I guess my answer will have to be about my life.

I have learned guys are idiots, smoking pot is fun, beer tastes like shit til you get past the taste and just drink it like its cough syrup and... my legs are all bruised.

1. How the fuck did I get these bruises though? Like, seriously! I know I bruise like a peach but what am I? A fucking gushy peach? I'm no longer white. I am white, blue, black, purple, yellow (like puke yellow ew) and green. Call this fun? No guy likes that. Unless their into that freaky fetish...
2. Guys & Pot. My guy smokes alot of pot. I learned I am an enviromentalist. I like contact high. Will it show up on my pee test? That would suck. And how in hell do you read that in a test? Why would someone want to read your pee anyways? That would be the worst job ever! I cannot see any kid growing up saying, "When I grow up, I want to read people's pee!" What if you dropped the pee all over you? Ew.
2 (Part II). Guys are just natural born idiots. Once they been trained by society (and parents), then it's debatable. I should start a training program. They have one for women, did you know that? Those bastards. And they wonder why we aim for their nuts...
3. Why the fuck was beer created? It's like men (idiots that most are) peed in a bottle, capped it and gave it a friend as a frat prank and now they make fucking money off it! WTH? Well maybe pee and some vodka or really nasty shit. Not shit in perticular but you get my drift. Maybe non fruity flavored cough syrup. But cough syrup is disgusting. I hate the person who made cough syrup. Probably a man too.

I love this song ALL STAR by Smash Mouth. It's so old school. Just don't watch the music video. It's so dumb. You lose brain cells. Just saying. And everyone knows that after you put up with 3 teenagers, you won't have much to left to loose before the old folks home becomes a nearing destination. I'll find you a nice place when that happens. Maybe it'll come will a pool boy even though there are no pools.

Forewarning: I am drinking this weekend. Please make sure you have enough advil, water and pillows. Because when I get home (depending on how I get home whether it be crawling, carried or be dragged because I refuse to move and my boyfriend doesn't want to carry me) I will be hungover like a motherfucker. And that will not be a pretty sight. If we have any paper bags in the house, I advise you have one in hand when I get home... actually make that two. One to barf in and one to hide in.

Oh I also have a list of questions for you. I have been collecting them on my foot. It's all written on my foot. And you thought writing on your skin in sharpie was a bad thing. Tisk Tisk.

1. Why my dad? I mean, the mans an idiot for christ's sake. Yes, christ has an opinion. It's a frequent thing we talk about.
2. Are you still up for buying me condoms whenever I need them? I can give you the type I like most. It'll make your trip into the store short. Oh and a lot less awkward talk. Just saying.
3. What is the point of facebook and blogging? I mean, I am not against sharing my life with a zillion other people but I hate listening to people being whiney bitches about their failed lives. Can't they report on something cool like, good parties? Nope.
4. How would you feel about Scott getting a sex change? I think it's be about damn time. Maybe for once my brother won't bring a crazy psychotic weirdo girlfriend and actually bring a sexy male model. I wouldn't mind his potential future boyfriend staying the night. Or me living at home for a bit longer. Some nice man meat... I promise I won't eat him...
5. What kind of charges can I be brought up on for walking into a store with a ski mask? Can I fake an allergy to flourescent lights? I really want to see if I can do that... I think I need to get on wikipedia now.

Well it's been a great night/morning. I'm gonna watch this lady get sexual in this music video and may try not to eat your food here on the table next to me.

Thanks for putting up with me.
Poof.
Your Annoying Oldest

PS: Have CLUB crackers available when I am hungover please. Those are my favorite.